Comments on: A creative way to manage your friendships

By: Chip Joyce

Chip Joyce — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:05:03 +0000

Ira,

Thanks for that comment.

>>I don’t think of this article as a suggestion to consider as much as insight into what is already true and becoming comfortable with how to deal with it.

I learned from this observation of yours.

Chip

By: Ira

Ira — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:20:04 +0000

I never thought about my freindships in this way but I could relate very well to your categories. I could also relate to the conflict that I have felt about not putting time and effort into maintaining contact with friends who once were close. This helped me understand my feelings and behavior. I don’t think of this article as a suggestion to consider as much as insight into what is already true and becoming comfortable with how to deal with it.

By: Jay

Jay — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:56:05 +0000

I definitely get the resistance to managing friendships, but I actually found these categories to be incredibly logical and intuitive. Makes so much sense I just went and set up a new AOF for myself.

By: chipjoyce

chipjoyce — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 03:23:31 +0000

Hi, everyone, I want to respond to each of you in one message.

To Beirne: I think a standard objection other people have to GTD is that they want things to be “more fluid.” As I am sure you have learned, nothing makes you more fluid than to have GTD skills. Just as GTD has made me better on all fronts, it’s helped me to be a better friend and to be a better judge of the time and resources I allocate to people.

To FrRalphZ: Thanks for the Aristotle reference. As a classics and philosophy student, and admirer of Aristotle, his writings on friendship were an influence in my thinking about this topic.

To Ed: It’s important to be objective in evaluating how important persons are in your life. I like the FaceBook idea a lot.

To Todd: I manage my life, and part of that is that I’ve learned to manage the time, emotional energy, and others resources I devote to people. Personally, I don’t have a problem with the word “manage” but if you like the idea but not that word, re-name it for yourself.

Thanks to all for writing.

By: Todd Carney

Todd Carney — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:26:03 +0000

Chip,

I think your categories of friendship are useful conceptually, but I’m not sure one should use “friendship” and “management” in the same sentence. Perhaps your matrix can be used to “keep track of” or “follow” your friends, or to “enhance” or even to “organize” your friend “contacts,” but “manage” suggests control and hierarchy, and mostly in business. Even in public agencies, schools, hospitals, and similar not-for-profit organizations, the word “management” is eschewed in favor “administration.” But even in the business world, one sometimes hears that you “manage” machines, but you “lead” people. I think the distinction is worth maintaining.

Best,

Todd Carney

By: Heather Ross

Heather Ross — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 16:22:15 +0000

Interesting post. It reminds me a bit of my post on looking at the people in your life who make up your Dunbar number.

http://www.mctoonish.com/blog/?p=486

By: Ed Wheeler

Ed Wheeler — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:52:28 +0000

You raise an interesting point – recently I’ve noticed that for every social “circle” that most people are in, you have about 3 close friends, 10 “colleagues” and the rest are familiar to you but not really “known”.

Somehow I could see this idea becoming some sort of facebook app!

By: FrRalphZ

FrRalphZ — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 00:41:23 +0000

According to Aristotle, there are three types of friendship: friendship based on usefulness (a friend for a reason), friendship based on pleasure (a friend for a season), and friendship based on virtue (a friend for life). Friendships based on usefulness and pleasure only last as the long as each party derives the usefulness or pleasure he desires from the relationship. Sadly, people mistake these for virtuous friendships, only to find out too late that they are not. Friendship based on virtue is based on wishing the good for the other person. This is a true and lasting friendship, necessary for self-knowledge and helps both of the friends to grow in virtue. This kind of friendship presupposes justice and goes beyond it. The virtue of a friend is to love. The reality is that we will be fortunate indeed to have even a handful of friendships based on virtue in our lives.

Once we recognize the handful of true, virtuous friendships in our lives, deciding how to set our priorities and where to spend our time becomes much clearer indeed.

By: Beirne

Beirne — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:57:49 +0000

I like categorizing things. I have all of my books in the Delicious Library program on my Mac. I tag all of my photos and sort all my email into folders. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that with my friends, though. While I do have some friends that are closer than others, I don’t think I want to spend my time rating them and putting them into pigeonholes. I don’t want to think of my friends as numbers and prefer my relationships to be more fluid.